Friday, July 25, 2008

big girls don't cry anymore

aku kangen papa.

I haven't talk to him for a while now. Somehow, i want to suppress all of my memories about him. We never really spent quality times together, anyway. A part of me still blaming myself for everything that happened. A part of me said there was nothing i could do to stop it from happening.

He's far away now. Sometimes i came to visit him in Jogja; a monologue about my recent life. And the fact that i still can not understand why everything had to happen the way it happened... The guilty feeling i keep inside is too enormous for me to handle. Jealousy shown in my eyes whenever i see some girls walk with their fathers with smiles on their faces. Sometimes it slips away and creeps out through my tears when i look at his photograph.

It happened again yesterday while i watch a video from monkey majik, "together". I realized that that i feel terribly alone when he was not there to say happy birthday to me (i wonder how my mom can endure a day without him).

But i am a big girl now. I have to suck it up; i have to survive this.
I never really said this out loud... aku sayang papa.

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