4-Minutes Love Song

the air is cold and gray and lonely
my weeping heart beats differently
how can i be both sad and jolly?

my gaze screams my longing
my body shivers my deepest desires
my lips trembles my yearning
yet my stiffs arms clutch nothing but thin air

i wait and i ache and i blush

i fell too deep to your kiss and your ignorance
of all people, of all people...

you cause the fire in my burning dreams

your presence is my addiction
your smile is unbearable
your absence is my torture

for my words have been taken from me
this melodies can't keep me at ease

of all feelings, of all feelings...
i wonder what could this be?

Ngiler ngeliat vanness? saya juga!

B told me that Vanness grows beard! and it's awful!

So i check on one of his vclip on youtube Fading Into You/我不是自己 and wait. Loading...........
There he is. All muscle and very yummy! Such an eye candy for me :P

But wait a minute. Gosh! Then i saw the beard! NO NO NO! He's too cute for beard! what is it that he's trying to prove? that he's a man? Lol.. I love you Vanness... but please please please get rid of that stupid beard. Kesannya itu jenggot bo'ongan banget sih, kaya tempelan.

ok. Let's compare!

^This is the Vanness Wu i like^
with his long hair and toned body

^This is the same guy, plus beard!^
Hate him so! Tiba-tiba bikin ilfil. doh! >.<'

Another thing i realize is that Vanness is so good in his English, he sucks when he sings in Chinese. Boy, you better keep talking in English. I can't understand any word you say in Chinese wahahahaha :P [karena memang saya tidak mengerti bahasa mandarin, hidup jepang!]

Apapun yang terjadi, tetep ngiler liat Vanness. Tutupin aja mukanya dan jengot-jengot gak jelas ituh, nikmatilah badannya yang kotak-kotak ituh. sluuuuuurp!

Almost officially broke!

I need to pay several tickets today. Habislah persediaan duit-duit saya! am going to Pangkal Pinang next week, and Bali the week after :P wahahahahahha *tawa kemenangan* I am so happy to leave this city, even for a zip!

Actually i prefer to go to Beijing this month. But the plan was to go there with goldie. We got to resechedule our plan since she is going to have her family and or pilgrimage trip on sept. uhm, maybe korea with b? sounds interesting :P

Ok, off me go!

big girls don't cry anymore

aku kangen papa.

I haven't talk to him for a while now. Somehow, i want to suppress all of my memories about him. We never really spent quality times together, anyway. A part of me still blaming myself for everything that happened. A part of me said there was nothing i could do to stop it from happening.

He's far away now. Sometimes i came to visit him in Jogja; a monologue about my recent life. And the fact that i still can not understand why everything had to happen the way it happened... The guilty feeling i keep inside is too enormous for me to handle. Jealousy shown in my eyes whenever i see some girls walk with their fathers with smiles on their faces. Sometimes it slips away and creeps out through my tears when i look at his photograph.

It happened again yesterday while i watch a video from monkey majik, "together". I realized that that i feel terribly alone when he was not there to say happy birthday to me (i wonder how my mom can endure a day without him).

But i am a big girl now. I have to suck it up; i have to survive this.
I never really said this out loud... aku sayang papa.

wishlist :)

OW it's July already!

I had this silly conversation with E last week... about my birthday wish list :P here here
*me want a new digital camera, preferably Olympus Myu whichever
*me want a new laptop, preferably Asus... hmm.. those Asus Ferrari ones look amazing
*me want a new black leather pointed shoes, preferably from Nine West or Guess
*me want a new black leather handbag, no specific preferences (yet)
*me want a trip to Beijing this year to visit my so called sister B
*... and another one... me want a companion, preferably a boy

I said to E, how wonderful it will be if i could have all of the above! Maybe i should find me a rich boy to buy all of those fancy things :P ho ho ho ho

But, Nah! me gonna buy myself all of the above, except the boyfriend one -.-" How on earth will i be able to afford a boyfriend? -.-" duh, i can be optimistic in just about anything but the relationship department. Nevertheless, yes i guess it will be lovely to have someone on my side :)

china vs japan

blah.
mo ke cina bentaaaar doank mo ketemu my beloved sister yang terlantar and wasted every other weekend aja susah amat ya? oh i hate her so much for not being here right now.

hum, knapa yah orang2 pada ke cina? bea ke cina. temen2 sma pada ke cina. temen2 smp pada ke cina. even niven, just read his blog, ikutan ke cina. the language? blah. the people? nyeh. the culture? most probably... nyeh. oh, got it! my extremely cheap goodies!

china is not considered on my fave list, all except WANG LEE HOM (yosh yosh!) and the fact that bea is there, studying whatever. well well mungkin karena blom pergi ke sono aja kali yah.

me prefer japanese culture, japanese food, japanese language, japanese arts, and surely japanese boys hauhauhauhauhuahua... i just contaminated edison's brain with Hana Yori Dango jap version. LOL. gonna be very patient before i can really go there. freakin expensive.
*sobs* eenbeetje te duur voor mijn budget.

Smashed

it's when your infinite freedom is taken! it's when you hit the very bottom of reality. now you live without hope nor dream nor courage. the hope of your love, the dream of being what you have always wanted to be, and the courage to move on. They screw your mind and emotion just to break you apart.. to scatter you into worthless pieces.

It's hard... to live that way. It's like a hundred ton of sharp objects on your shoulder when you have to cross an old wingly"bergoyang" bridge with endless cliff below you or a long winding road full of rocky trashes. when you fall, they'll cut you nicely.

it's hard because nobody want to be chained, prisoned... especially you, my beloved.
but you shall not give up you life away. For there'll be rainbow after rain, there'll also be a gift you'll receive after your sufferings. For a freedom cannot be taken from one... it stays in your heart as long as you believe its existence. Don't you wander alone, because i'll be there and comfort you. i'll catch your falls despite of my invisibility. keep you warm in my arms though my body crash.

it's hard for me to undo my arms around you and let you go. it's hard to see your tears instead of your smile. it's hard for enfold our sweet memories and throw it away.

Since waiting for you is forever and that's what i'm gonna do.

kangen neeeh....

dooooooooooooooh!
i miss my baby!!!!

Tanpa dirimu.. yang aku rindu kasih
melayangku bersama bayang dirimu
mestinya kau ada di sini bersamaku
tuk bercanda, memadu kasih berdua
slamanya..

tiada lagi dapat ku buat
untuk hilangkan rasa ini
lagu ini tak kan membuat
hasrat hati yang kumiliki

bawalah daku bersama ke dalam setiap langkahmu
di manapun engkau berada
kangen aku pada dirimu tiada akan dapat ku obati
tanpa ku belai rambutmu, kucium pipimu
dan kunikmati senyummu

kuinginkan senyum di wajahmu
kurindukan senyum di bibirmu

[from: MaliQ n d'Essentials >"Kangen"< ]
sekian.

Is it important to pursue your dream?

I should be excited. The positive energy of optimism should be my aura, just like the aura of winning from most people i saw today when I went to RCTI to take my invitation for Indonesian Idol. What an oppurtunity, some might say. But not for my family.

I sit and wait all afternoon, don't know exactly how to tell my parents about this exciting news: me going to a real audition and how i am so shocked since the audition is on Monday. the very next Monday, March 14th (i thought it would be on Tuesday or Wednesday because my registration number was 37-thousand-something).

But then, as i predicted, there's no excitement or happy face or even a smile and a "congratulation" come out of them. It was just plain "we've just got home. there's no time to talk about this now". Isn't this great?

Silly me've just found out that my parents is not very supportive in every single thing i do. I've just found out that other people (that do not have any blood/family relation with me) do support me, even if they can't personally come and rub my back. In this case, I will say thank you to Kili, an amazing woman who can cheer you up or calm you down within a minute. I called her this afternoon just to catch up with things and tell her my audition day (she said that she would gladly accompany me during my audition). Sadly, she couldn't make because of some woman-rights seminar is going on Monday. But she did say lovely things that really comforted me: not to eat greasy food or drink cold water, get rest, dress well, be my self in front of the juries, i am good, bla bla bla. It is nice to acknowledge that she's even more exited than I am. The good thing is, from her I gain my power to tell my parents how good it feels to me. The power that shrinks down the very minute my parents show their occupied faces.

It is great to know that nobody can support you on you big day (Audition is pronounced as B-I-G D-A-Y for most people, isn't it?) I know that it is not their faults. My lil' sister will have an english exam. My dad will need to do HD in the hospital, of course my mom will accompany him. In fact, I should be the one who need to calm myself and not acting childish like a 8-year-old girl in her first singing competition.

We ate. Me and my parents. I didn't enjoy my meal, of course, waiting the right moment to talk with them.. but there was no "moment". I continued washing dishes and stuffs with thoughts running through my mind. where did my determination go? Am I ready for this? Should I just back off and ruin my chance?

There I was in front of the cupboard, thinking, and spilled a whole glass of water in my feet since my right hand thinks that it is an empty dry glass that i need to put in the cupboard. Luckily, I didn't spilled my tears.

What's next?

Lovely Trocadéro

This morning i browse for some music and find this... "Trocadero" by Potret.

Simple yet romantic it is, ada di album Potret II yang covernya bergaya klasik. First, you'll hear it in Indonesian, sung by Melly [a genius in music i presume], then someone translated it into french. As you know - and everybody does think that way i guess - French is a romantic language, which make this song, as i said previously, simple yet romantic.

"Ingat dulu, setahun sudah berlalu
awal yang indah musim panas di Paris
tempat kenangan indah di Trocadéro
merah warna sore di kota cinta
suara musik meiring hati senang
alunan lagu romantis di Trocadéro

Satu masa indah
yang tak pernah hilang di dalam ingatanku
tempat pertama hatiku terpaut dengannya di Trocadéro"

"Rouge, de la couleur
la ballade dans la cite de l'amour
le son de la musique accompagne un coeur heureux
de balancement d'une chanson romantique du Trocadéro"

Sebenernya gue nyari2 lagu ini udah lama. Dulu.. dulu bgt gue pernah denger lagu ini, once.. maybe twice, n langsung jatuh cinta! itu dulu. Sekarang, stelah ada yang namanya MP3 [thank God!] gue bisa menemukan lagu ini [kembali]. Kata pepatah: "klo jodoh ga bakal lari kemana..." hehehe nyambung ga sih?

BTW, gue juga bisa menulis bahasa prancisnya di sini berkat jasanya mbak Farah [uhuy] yang jago bgt prancisnya - yeah, she can speak several languages, wooot!!! Tadi tuh gue udah nyari mati2an lirik "Trocadero" but i can't find it anywhere! akhirnya, gue mbujuk2 mbak farah buat nulis'in liriknya yang prancis heheheh...

Omong2 soal Trocadero nie... this place is nice, so damn crowded in summer - that's what mbak farah said. Let me paste something from yahoo travel...

"Spread over a total of ten hectares, the Trocadero gardens stretch from the Palais de Chaillot to the Seine and the Eiffel Tower. A pond surrounded by an array of stone and gilded bronze statues and fountains forms a delightful centre piece. Rollerblade enthusiasts meet here to practice in the midst of this harmony, weaving their way past surprised onlookers and lovers clasped in a warm embrace. Although this is a pleasant place, the rollerbladers' presence tends to spoil the gardens' tranquility, making them a lot less peaceful than the Tuileries gardens, for example. However the view you get from here of the Eiffel Tower (especially at night, when it's lit up) and over the Palais de Chaillot more than makes up for this, giving these gardens their own special charm."

Guess it's wonderfullll! I've been to Paris once, last year, but i was sick [damn!]. Hope i can go there again, if i have the money of course! For now, well, i can dream ;)