Monday, December 22, 2008

The game is ON

The game is on.
... and i am spinning.

The rules have changed. The subject has changed.
It is no longer called "To-make-a-better-person-out-of-him" game.
It's now called "If-I-ever-gonna-feel-anything-ever-again-even-if-it's-pain" game.


... and i'm spinning.
I don't know when to stop, nor how to stop.

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Monday, December 15, 2008

Being a masochist

"... he is just as selfish and soulless as ever.
Only a masochist could ever love such narcissist"

Blair Waldorf - Gossip Girl, her sad uttering of Chuck Bass.

Guess i have always been a masochist my whole life.
I tend to hurt my self, or rather... i let myself being hurt by my those i love [or those who i think have loved me].

How? by acting wildly irrational when it comes to following my stubborn heart.

My belief in own so-called "feeling" has gone so deep it drowned me over and over and over again. Everyone i know has called me crazy and tried to pull me up to save me, i remain still. Swimming in the ocean of uncertainty, strongly believe that i am doing this for my own good, for the achievement that no other people may ever understand. Some loyal friends tho, participate to cheer me up along the way.

The fact is this: most of the times, I have my own original point of view in seeing and observing things. I tend to choose the hard way; i am more confident going down the rocky road; i feel warmed through cold words of others; i seek beauty in evil. I am undoubtedly afraid. Yet i am still willing to spend every dime, every sweat, every tear i possess to hold on to my dearly beloved. I am suffocated and damaged at best; I resist to surrender to reality.

My past experiences give me great lessons: that every turn one took [or did not take] will bear consequences. At times, the consequences may become the heavy burden or the uncured scar one will have to live with one whole life. I said, that's fair enough. At least, my dear, i can say "been there, done that" out loud.

That makes me a masochist.

- - -
I am gluing my feet on to the pavement. I am a fool. And I am not going anywhere. God help me.

oh, this (s)crap means nothing.

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