endless darkness

I can't think
I can't hardly breathe
I can't see anything
to light my way

'cause I'm lost
I need someone to hold me
keep me from falling
'cause this is the hardest phase I ever had
my gloomiest moment in life
my forever loneliness

I wanna run
just want to hide from the world
for a moment, please give me a chance
but I can't move away from here

tell me 'cause I don't understand
who am i right now? why am i here? what does life want from me?

should I give up everything that i own?
should I let my dreams go?
should I say nothing? do nothing?

too complicated to be explained
too weak to face it
too idiot to understand God's will

when you're in the edge of life
and every path you take will be no use
when you try so hard to smile
yet your soul is still empty
you'll see what I see
you'll feel what I feel

Sang tembok sahabatku

Seluruh hidupku ada di ruangan ini. Setiap detik waktu yang kudengar sangat berharga itu kuhabiskan di sini. Sekelebatan kisah-kisah hidup orang lain, entah itu roman ataupun ironi, kulihat dari celah-celah jendela.

Aku berpikir, mengapa orang-orang itu bisa memiliki emosi yang begitu mendalam? Apa itu cinta? angkara? benci? kecewa? bahagia? Tapi apa peduliku kalau aku terlahir tanpa emosi?
Atau apakah karena teman bicaraku, sang tembok yang berwarna putih kekuning-kuningan itu, selalu bisu bila ku bertanya. Sebenarnya, apa itu teman?

Yang kutahu, teman itu sebuah yang selalu bersama denganmu dalam situasi apapun, suka duka. Teman akan lebih banyak mendengarkan daripada berbicara. Ia akan selalu mendampingi dan melindungimu dari apapun. Ia akan selalu ada untukmu kapanpun kau membutuhkannya.

Oleh karena itu, marilah aku perkenalkan kalian pada temanku, sang tembok. Loh, mengapa bingung? Dia kan memenuhi semua persyaratan seorang teman! Dia selalu ada disampingku; setiap waktu kuhabiskan bersamanya. Tak pernah ia lari atau meninggalkan aku sendirian, selalu melindungiku dari dunia luar yang super kejam. Ia juga selalu mendengarkan keluh kesahku, segala ceritaku. Yah, walaupun ia tidak banyak bicara. Dia memang pendiam, tidak seperti aku yang sebenarnya sangat ingin tahu dan tak bisa berhenti bercerita sebelum nafasku habis dan mataku mengantuk. Yah, temanku ini memang tidak dapat menjawab segala pertanyaanku tentang dunia, dan terlebih lagi tentang emosi.

Sesekali sang tembok, biasanya di pagi hari ketika sinar matahari mau berbaik hati dan agak-agak menyeruak masuk dari jendela, menyapaku. Berbisiklah ia," Selamat pagi, sahabat!" Ohya, karena itu pula aku menganggapnya temanku, karena ia pun memanggilku sahabat. Kata sahabat itu... mengapa kata itu bisa terdengar begitu indah dan ramah? Terkesan begitu erat. Seperti kata jabat, sahabat. Jabat itu ketika dua telapak tangan saling bertaut saat berkenalan, itulah yang kubaca dari sebuah buku yang disodorkan padaku dulu.

Dulu aku berkenalan dengan sang tembok tanpa jabat tangan. Yah, mungkin karena saat itu aku masih begitu kecil dan belum mengerti apa itu jabat, apalagi arti sahabat. Tapi itu tak apa baginya, temanku itu, karena dia mau mengerti keadaanku. Walaupun ia tak dapat memelukku, ia selalu mengertiku dalam diam yang tampak bijaksana. Tak pernah ia menyakitiku, padahal sering sekali aku mencoba kabur dari hidupku yang kelihatannya sangat membosankan dengan memukulinya. Anehnya, ia tidak marah. Hanya diam menenangkan.
Kupilih dia sebagai temanku karena berbagai pertimbangan itu, karena ia begitu sempurna.

Sekali lagi kuperkenalkan pada dunia, teman, err sahabatku yang paling setia, sang tembok.

Last holiday season

Holiday holiday holiday. what an amazing word to hear! for most people, holiday means FREEDOM (in a particular length of time)! Most people will spend their holiday to travel, spend times with their families and friends (maybe with loved ones), do their favourite things, HAVE FUN!

I had one-week holiday last week. It was a national holiday since we celebrated a big day for Moslem, Aidil Fitri (I'm happy for you, guys!). If I should look at the bright side of it... it was fun! you know... watched some VCDs, ate, went to Dufan. But then again, it was better for me to work in my office than had an empty holiday.
Empty? how come? well, i have already used to have it. Normally, it should be great if one can gather with his/her families on holiday. Laugh at jokes, share stories, love each other. ha ha. not for me, i guess.

I have always have one wish.. to live happily with my family, love each other with no boundaries of ego or proudness, laugh and smile from our heart. And I guess my wish is far from reality.

arrrrgh... I just can't put my thoughts in words!! I'm angry, desperate, and disappointed at the same time.. and it's worthless for me to do anything.
Maybe now is not my time to understand the inexplicable life. Maybe i'll learn what love is (or if love ever really exist) through this. It is just another phase that I go through.

Now, back to work... the side of my life (now) that I like, even though i often feel very very very sleepy at work hehehhehe... Insomnia at night, sleppy at day. Only slept for three hours last nite. Puuuh... well, that's me!

Inspirasi Iklan Mentos

Hari ini ada kejadian konyol huehuehe.. sol sendal gue tiba2 patah... kyaaaa serasa iklan mentos deh! soooo stupid!

Tadi kan gue ke toilet buat srat srot alias ngebersihin ingus2 gue (masih banyak ajah) berhubung gue masih pilek huheuheue. Biasanya klo udah di kantor gue pake sendal jepit yang ada di situ, tapi sendal jepitnya udah menghilang beberapa hari gitu.. jadilah gue muter2 kantor dan ke toilet pake sendal or sepatu hak tinggi yang gue pake... Gosh i miss my sneakers!!!

Nah.. sepulang dari toilet gue seperti biasa ngaca2 di pintu kaca kantor2 laen (ada kaca cantik loooh... sumpah deh gue bisa keliatan kurus klo ngaca di situ, bikin seneng ajah!) trus jalan lewat koridor berkarpet yang kayanya udah kotor gitu soalnya warnanya ijo2 ga jelas. Seperti biasa juga... gue jalannya ga bener.. miring2. Maklum, ga bisa pake sepatu hak bagus :p

Lalu... gue sepanjang koridor tuh gue nendang2 loncat2 menyenangkan hati. Eeeeeeh, tiba2 klek *ups!*.. perasaan kok jadi ga enak... uhm... uhm... pas ngeliat ke tumit sandal gue.. *ziiiiing* kok jadi pendek yah? Ternyata saudara2, hak saya patah! Udah kepikiran pengen matahin hak yang satunya lagi tuh.. tapi... kayanya kok worthless yah? hix hix... Trus tengok belakang (depan kan kantor kosong, kanan kiri dinding, ga mungkin lah ada orang!) aman... ga ada yang liat :p OMG.. klo tadi patahnya depan lift or depan kantor laen kan ga lucu bgt!!

Masuklah gue ke kantor kembali. Ketawa2 gue bilang ke mbak kili and mbak farah... trus nanya2 sapa tau ada selotip or glue gitu yang bisa gue pake untuk sementara... akhirnya gue pake double tip buat menyelamatkan sendal gue tercinta... Untung masih bisa, ntar pulangnya gue jalan jinjit2 deh.

Sandal tinggi cuma punya satu. Nyarinya pun susah bgt sampe Tajur. Sekarang patah sebelah hak nya... Nasib2... semoga aja sandal gue tercinta ini masih bisa di lem pake lem besi! biar mantep! Nasib2...

Drug and Thug

I listen to this song once more.. This song really makes me think.Think about my life now. Think about how my life could be if i live in another face of the earth - i know that it would be very different.

I imagine my self there, in that place, somewhere in the world... maybe in U.S. What if I live there and face the exactly same probs that I have here? Guess..

I'll spend my time singing in this street's corner, eating hamburgers (or whatever food i can afford), smoking cigarette. This is what i do, almost every single day of the week. It wasn't my lifestyle (it does sound chic when you say it.. "lifestyle") until my high school. Yeah, at that turning point of my life.. when i felt alone and had no one to talk to. It was then I ran away from home, took some cash that i had, also some food. That night i went and for the first time i slept on the street. It wasn't that bad coz' it was midsummer. Even if i had to sleep in a winter night, i shouldn't protest. That was my choice. I felt free, yet alone.

Today is not very cold, considering the upcoming winter. Gotta few dollars in my pocket. Damn, i need more money to buy my drinks. Should i go rob a store in that block? hmm, but my hommies here, maybe, still have some good stuffs that I can use. I used to have dreams, but not now. No dreams can give me food or make make me feel better in my heart.

We live like a family here, me and my peeps. They help me when i need some, always make me laugh. Of course, we laugh our ass our mostly when we use some drugs. Great stuff, drug, always makes me happy. It's weird how drugs can present such effects to our body and mind. It's weird how drugs can erase our problems, wash my fears, ease my mind, even though only for few hours. Drugs will always be there for you, even when your parents and friends are not around! That's why we (not only me, a lot of people) love drugs. A friend in need id a friend indeed... that's what people say. Few years from now, i might end up in jail doing my sentence... as a drug dealer or a prostitute or a killer.

But that's not me. It could be me and my life, but since i grew up in this over-valued country, i CANNOT do such things... even though i want it.

Wanna stop from drinking and taking drugs? It's not easy. There are people who can have their good life back (as if the life they lived before was horrible). I have a very different perspective about people who could recover from drugs or drinks.

In my eyes, people use drugs because they have no place or no one to run to. They feel depress because of the heavy problems they're carrying. Rich boy has no parents love, brokenhearted lonely girl, a nerd with no friends, poor man with no food... they feel lonely... left behind by everybody, by the people they love. When they think that they have nowhere to go, they run to a thing called drug, a thing that offer them happiness and heaven. That thing offer them an everlasting love because drugs will not got o work and forget them, drugs will not broke their heart.

These users will use drugs no more if there are people who eager to spend some times with them, people who eager to show some caring, people who want to set aside their anger and start listening to what the drug users stories.

So, basically a drug user will stop taking drugs to make him/her happy if they have someone (a real person, besides God) who can offer him/her the same effect, everlasting love.

I need it, too.

Share your love while you can.

"Every corner, every city
there's a place where life's a little busy
Little Hennessy, laid back and cool
every hour, cause it's all good
Leave all the stress from the world outside
every wrong done will be alright
Nothin but peace, love, and street passion,
every ghetto needs a thug mansion"
Tupac feat Nas - Thugz Mansion

Dear God

Jiwaku kering kerontang mengharapkan sedikit belaianMu. Sedikit saja sudah cukup buatku karena aku tahu bahwa banyak orang jauh lebih membutuhkanMu. Kesendirian yang amat sangat menusuk tulangku. Aku ingin berteriak memanggil namaMu namun ternyata aku hanya dapat berucap dalam hati. Aku ingin berlari mengejarMu kemanapun di dunia namun kaki lemahku serasa tak mampu menyangga bebanku yang begitu berat.

Aku ini manusia lemah dan egois, Tuhan. Aku berharap lebih dan tak mau mengerti. Aku selalu terjatuh dalam ujian-ujianMu.Aku ini manusia bodoh Tuhan, yang tak pernah dapat mengerti rencanaMu atasku. Berikan terang pada mataku, jangan biarkan aku tersesat danhilang. Sanggahlah aku, tuntun langkahku dalam jalanMu.

Sadarkanlah aku Tuhan, bahwa dalam kesendirianku yang seperti apapun, Kau akan selalu ada untuk menjadi temanku yang setia dan mau meluangkan waktu untuk mendengar segala kisahku. Kuatkanlah aku saat ini, karena tanpaMu jiwaku dan hatiku mungkin telah lama mati.

Dan kuharap suatu saat nanti aku dapat melihat semua dengan jelas dan indah.

sealed heart

he's the dark side of me
so dark.. he brightens up my life
i don't know why, i don't know how
i feel secure when he's around

to feel what he feels is how i breathe
to talk what we've been through today is how i eat
to love the way he loves me is how i life
to heard his laughter is my happiness
to shed his tears is my comfort
to know why we can't be together is my tears

it is absurd, the word called love
is it happening to me as i put my thoughts in words?
will they take it away from me and leave me in misery?
i don't know why, i don't know how
i have faith that this love will grow just fine

my (brain) profile

Your Brain Usage Profile:
Auditory: 53%
Visual : 46%
Left : 66%
Right : 33%

Valentina, you are mildly left-hemisphere dominant while showing a slight preference for auditory processing. This overall combination seems to indicate a well-working blend of logic and judgment and organization, with sufficient intuition, perception and creativity to balance that dominance.

You will at times experience conflict between how you feel and what you think which will generally be resolved in favor of what you think. You will find yourself interested in the practical applications of whatever material you have learned or whatever situation you face and will retain the ability to refine whatever knowledge you possess or aspects of whatever position you are in.

By and large, you will orient yourself toward intellectual activities and structure. Though not rigid, you will schedule yourself, plan, and focus on routine and continuity of operations, rather than on changes and disruptions.

When changes or disruptions occur, you are likely to consider first how to ensure that such disruptions do the same balance is reflected in your sensory preference. You will tend to be reflective and measured in your interaction style. For the most part, you will be considered objective without being cold and goal-oriented while retaining the capacity to listen to others.

Preferentially you learn by listening and maintaining significant internal dialogues with yourself. Nevertheless, you have sufficient visualization capabilities to benefit from using graphs, charts, doodles, or even body movement to enhance your comprehension and memory.

To the extent that you are even implicitly aware of your hemispheric dominance and sensory style, you will feel most comfortable in those arenas which emphasize verbal skills and logic. Teaching, law, and science are those that stand out among the professions, along with technical sales and management.

Try and figure how your brains work :D
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