Suara hati seorang kekasih

Dalam kehidupan manusia, kita selalu terbentur oleh batasan-batasan utama: jenis kelamin, ras, agama, usia. Pertanyaanku, apakah CINTA mampu menembus segala batasan-batasan tersebut? Bila jawabannya iya, muncul satu pertanyaan lagi. Sampai manakah CINTA mampu bertahan, sekuat apakah CINTA mampu melewati batasan-batasan tersebut tanpa terluka dan akhirnya menyerah dan mati? Cinta yang seperti apakah yang dapat dikatakan cinta sejati?

Tidak semua orang pernah mengalami ini. Terkadang kehidupan percintaan seseorang berjalan lancar-lancar saja; ia menemukan orang yang tepat (baca: dengan jenis kelamin yang tepat, ras yang tepat, agama yang tepat, dan usia yang tepat) dan dapat hidup bahagia selamanya layaknya dongeng anak-anak. Namun bagi yang lain, bagi mereka yang memiliki hasrat untuk cinta yang berbeda... terkadang cinta yang salah... ataupun cinta yang mustahil... Akankah orang-orang tersebut berhasil menemukan cinta dalam hidupnya? Mungkinkah cinta menunggu mereka di depan pintu gerbang kebahagiaan? Ataukah hidup mereka hanya akan diwarnai oleh bayang-bayang ilusi akan kebahagiaan yang semu?

Orang-orang tersebut, yang bergulat dalam cinta yang mustahil, akankah mereka mampu bangkit kembali dan terus berlari setelah menerima segala cercaan dunia munafik yang melihat segala sesuatunya melalui kacamata tabu?

Yang aku tahu, hanya segelintir pulalah yang mampu bertahan dan mencap diri mereka bahagia. Demikian pula yang terlihat dari pandangan mata mereka yang berbinar-binar ketika aku bertanya akan masa mereka berjuang untuk meraih cinta. Hanya orang-orang yang tegar seperti itulah yang mampu untuk saling bergandengan tangan dalam kondisi sesulit apapun.

Timbul satu pertanyaan lagi untukku sebagai orang yang selalu mencari cinta yang mustahil, akankah aku mampu berjuang layaknya mereka?

Happines is only real when shared

This sucks! Jakarta sucks!

I'm in the downfall of not having my best friends around. Yes, i have them scattered over the globe: ned, china, oz... ouw and bali (i dont really consider bali as indonesia anymore). I'm the only one who's loco enough to stay.

Ouw concerts! Boo-hoo... I have no one to go with.
Ouw parties! Boo-hoo... I have no one to be wild with.
Ouw birthdays! Boo-hoo... I have no one to get wasted with.
Ouw holidays! Boo-hoo... I have no one to be on a road-trip with.

Ouw personal issues! Boo-hoo... I have no one to talk to. Allrite, there is the technology called "internet". However, to talk about one's problematic life and personal issues over the internet/over the phone will not be as emotional as to talk over it face-to-face.

Obviously, i miss my girls :( i miss laughing (or crying or daydreaming) about boys they ever get acquinted with, reminiscing about the good-old days (yes, we were happy then!), crying as we talk about family issues, shouting at each other faces in arguments, eating ice creams on canal side, or even... doing nothing... just chill.

I need a vacation. Or my head's gonna explode sometime soon.

big girls don't cry anymore

aku kangen papa.

I haven't talk to him for a while now. Somehow, i want to suppress all of my memories about him. We never really spent quality times together, anyway. A part of me still blaming myself for everything that happened. A part of me said there was nothing i could do to stop it from happening.

He's far away now. Sometimes i came to visit him in Jogja; a monologue about my recent life. And the fact that i still can not understand why everything had to happen the way it happened... The guilty feeling i keep inside is too enormous for me to handle. Jealousy shown in my eyes whenever i see some girls walk with their fathers with smiles on their faces. Sometimes it slips away and creeps out through my tears when i look at his photograph.

It happened again yesterday while i watch a video from monkey majik, "together". I realized that that i feel terribly alone when he was not there to say happy birthday to me (i wonder how my mom can endure a day without him).

But i am a big girl now. I have to suck it up; i have to survive this.
I never really said this out loud... aku sayang papa.

Being 24

how was my birthday? well, i actually never really celebrate my birthdays.

We went eating at hanamasa gading [about how my family get there and got back home and all the fights in between is whole another story which i am not going to spill]. "we" here means me & fam, dison, my bos & fam, and some other people. it was ok. somehow i didn't feel really hungry. suddenly my barbaric-eating behaviour was gone as i didn't feel comfortable eating without my barbaric-eating mates.

Then we ["we" here means me and dison] went to meet goldie. I got a "sex and the city" all seasons recap book from them. E said that "it's sooo you!" and considered that I am a "Carrie/samantha". I took that as a compliment and tried to prove lil samantha in me by taking advantage of one of the baristas just to get myself a free dark-mocha frappe.

Then along came cris n elis. I asked cris to join me n golda to watch a piano concert in erasmus huis that night. As i predicted, things get tough between dison n cris (i have no comment on this matter). Guess i didn't get my birthday wishes and wish at all.

Erasmus huis was a "nothing". We couldn't get in because the house was too packed. The pianist is not only extremely talented, he is good-looking and young (21!). No wonder all the girls were drawn to see him play. Boo-hoo for me.

So, i got myself a free ride to meet andy and the new gf (and some other people i didn't know) in semanggi. She turned out to be very nice. I have a good feeling for the new couple. After dinner, we took off to karaoke in Green Garden with some other people i know (jeffry, ai, yun yun). It was ok, too.

I got back home at 1.30 am.
The day was good. Yet i feel something missing. I guess it is true that (sometimes) one do not want to be alone on one's birthday. It is incomplete to "celebrate" birthdays without your dearest people. It's just not right. And as for him, my birthday this year went unnoticed.. as always *sigh* That's another boo-hoo for me.

Overall, i'm looking forward to whatever things that're coming my way. And i thank you Lord for giving me one extra year on my life :)

july 18/19/20, and another birthday wish

happy birthday rannu!
happy birthday rendeng!
happy birthday angel!
happy birthday anita!
wish you well, wish you well.

This thought came to me on my way home.
I do have a genuine birthday wish this year, something that can actually come true.
I hope that dison n cris can forget their "problems" and be friends again. Only then that i can be happy among them hehehehe.. Guess this is for the goodness of all human race!

How about all of my other lil' wishes that i wrote?
I will surely have them (with my own efforts!) in time.
I just need to be patient :)

Happy birthday to me!

july 15

happy birthday, selly!
happy birthday, nv!
hope you have a wonderful day ;)

"he's out of reach", she says

she likes him. he's the strangest thing that ever happen to her. and she appreciates him for being himself. he unintentionally makes her smile and laugh. little that he knows that she hasn't been smiling like that for years.
he is like a medicine to her. she has to take a dose of him everyday, just to keep her sane. he doesn't know that he heals her wounded soul somehow someway.

she likes him. she thinks he is extraordinary.
she likes him. she thinks he can make her a better person.
she likes him. she smiles and sings lalala every other day.

but when she's ready to fall and believe, she realizes that all that he has ever given to her is false hope. over and over again. his kindness is false. his touch is false. her existence for him is false.
"he has another girl in his mind", she says.
"i knew it from the very beginning, yet i still tried to hurt myself", she said.
and she breaks down, a sudden heartache. she's suffocating, she's drowning in pain.

then one morning, out of the blue, a dear friend text her, "don't you know that there is someone who really love you out there?" she looks at the blue sky and wonder if that is true. since all that's left of her soul is pieces. scattered and numb.

"he's out of reach", she says. there is no hope left for her.
he is constantly on her mind and her dreams. even when she doesn't think of him.

she turns to me and asks, "what should i do? what could i do? how do i become the perfect fool?"
i fell silent. i turn to her and say, "let him go, let him go."

hold me? hold me!

I never know that there's a song that could picture me as perfect as this one.. So i think that the lyric of this song should go to my journal. Thanks nv :)

The Cardigans - Hold Me

Hold me, don't ever leave me
Know me, never believe me
Stay here but don't get too near me
Leave me, leave me alone
But don't ever let me go

Show me, but don't ever teach me
Touch me, don't try to reach me
Hold me but don't ever keep me
Baby, don't ever let me in

And don't let me win
'cause i leave myself to you
Yes, i release myself with you
I believe in me and you
So don't ever say you do

Love me, try not to need me
Need me but don't let the greed in
Feel free but don't ever leave me
Give in, don't ever let me
No, don't ever let me win

Hold me, don't ever leave me
Ask me but don't ever make me
Save me, don't ever forsake me
Call me but don't ever say my name

Know what you do
'cause i leave myself to you
Yes i release myself with you
I believe in me and you
So don't ever say you do

Don't let me win
Just hold me

And you say "nina nina ninana...."
Now how can i let you go?

Hold me, don't ever leave me
Love me but don't ever let me
No, don't ever let me win

f o o l

I cant sleep last night.. i tuned on the tv and watched this show on tv about medical-tv series, one of which is Grey's anatomy and it's implications to the real world. My main interest was "the broken-heart syndrom", a phase when one's heart stops beating because of super high level of physical and (mainly) emotional stress that has similar effect of heart attack. This emotional stress can be caused by death of loved ones, traumatic experiences, etc.

It is said that "time heals". For "broken-heart syndrom", it is factual that time heals the pain. After 3-4 days, the heart muscles will work as normal as ever.

Am i a victim of this syndrom?
I do feel pain on my chest, sudden urge to breakdown and disappear..
a FOOL.

wishlist :)

OW it's July already!

I had this silly conversation with E last week... about my birthday wish list :P here here
*me want a new digital camera, preferably Olympus Myu whichever
*me want a new laptop, preferably Asus... hmm.. those Asus Ferrari ones look amazing
*me want a new black leather pointed shoes, preferably from Nine West or Guess
*me want a new black leather handbag, no specific preferences (yet)
*me want a trip to Beijing this year to visit my so called sister B
*... and another one... me want a companion, preferably a boy

I said to E, how wonderful it will be if i could have all of the above! Maybe i should find me a rich boy to buy all of those fancy things :P ho ho ho ho

But, Nah! me gonna buy myself all of the above, except the boyfriend one -.-" How on earth will i be able to afford a boyfriend? -.-" duh, i can be optimistic in just about anything but the relationship department. Nevertheless, yes i guess it will be lovely to have someone on my side :)