Have yourself a 500 days of summer

"This is a story of boy meets girl. But you should know upfront, this is not a love story."
- deep voice narrator

If i say that I'm in love with the movie 500 days of summer... i'm not exaggerating.

I am both Tom Hanson and Summer Finn.
I am the believer and the non-believer.


The movie is (so far) the essence and the sum up of my way of thinking towards what most people call love... (while Garden State is my perception of home - but we are not talking about that marvelous movie here). The flipping scenes of the happy moments and the not so happy moments lead my brain to re-open some old memories, re-live some present memories, and re-mind me of all of the things i want for my future: simply, someone who i can love and love me in return unconditionally for the rest of my life.

blah!
a slap in the face.

"Ah, it's is so cliche!!!" you might say.

But when one know how bitter i can be in person, one may think that i have gone loco.
I say - love is the most difficult thing that one can possess! It is an out-of-this-world kind of ability, a behaviour so advanced it takes you your whole life to master. and therefore, to be able to find the "significant other" that matches one's basic ability to love would be a blessing. hell of a luck!
To be honest - how many people who get married or get together just because "he can provide shelter and a good life for me and my big extended family" or "i tend to love young girl" or "love will grow between us, any time soon now" or any other reasons - just to find that their love is forced and one-sided?

I once read on the web: "There are 6 billions souls in the world. You just need one soul for the rest of your life"
-- and people actually think it's easy to find that one particular soul?
now that, we can call bullshit!

Be blessed my friends, if you are among the tiniest amount of people in this over-consumptive over-exaggerating prejudice world who get together for the reason of "just because..." and fell speechless there. For you might have been given the chance to experience life to its fullest!

Amen to that.

♫ And if a double-decker bus crashes into us
To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten ton truck kills the both of us
To die by your side... well the pleasure, the privilege is mine ♫
The Smiths — There Is A Light That Never Goes Out

"Take care now"

Grey Anatomy Season 5 Episode 21: Not Good at Saying Sorry

Hunt: ... I didn't do anything wrong today. I treated you like i would anyone else.

Yang: No. Not like anyone else! "Take care now"? what is that?
What are you - like, you know - happy now?
What are you? You know, just a "choke 'em and forget 'em" kinda guy?

Hunt exhaled and handed a paper to Yang

Yang: "Hey there now, take care now, nice work yang." What is this?

Hunt: It's my shrink. My shrink gave me these sentences - we came up with them together. They're all 3-word sentences so i'd have to say to you instead of the 3 words that are... that are killing me. The 3 words that you know i feel but i can't say them, because it will be cruel to say them because i am no good for you.

I don't wanna torture you.
I don't want to look at you longingly when i know i can't be with you.
So yeah, I'm smiling and i'm saying "take care now".
I'm letting you off the hook. I'm trying - trying so hard to let you off the hook. I'm trying to make it right - what i did to you. Can't you see that? I'm just trying to make it right.

Yang, crying and heartbroken, handed the paper back to Hunt.

Yang: Take care now..

and she left.

.
.
.

why do i see myself in the scene again?

Age Difference in (sexual) Relationships

What is standard age gap in relationship?

Pria suka wanita yang lebih muda. Wanita suka pria yang lebih tua. Itu pada umumnya.

Tapi kenyataan berkata, "tunggu dulu, jaman sudah berubah!".
Wong Demi Moore saja bisa mendapatkan Ashton Kutcher yang (OMG!) 16 tahun lebih muda, dan mereka hidup bahagia saja tuh. Yang paling sensasional memang tetap Anna Nicole Smith yang menikah dengan J. Howard Marshall, yang ehem.. 63 tahun lebih tua.

Saya seringkali menonton film-film ataupun serial tv yang mengangkat issue "wanita dengan pasangan pria muda". Kisah-kisah seperti ini memang tidak biasa. Misalnya film The Graduate (Ben & Mrs. Robinson!), Something's Gotta Give (Erica & Julian), Prime (Rafi & David), I could never be Your Woman (Rosie & Adam), atau serial tv semacam Lipstick Jungle (Nico & Kirby) dan Sex and the City (Samantha & Smith). More...

Nico & Kirby
Where can i find a 25-year-old like Kirby?

Ada satu persamaan dalam film-film tersebut: Sang wanita pastilah seorang yang strong, independent, dan sucess dalam karir! Sang pria? biasanya, mereka pria-pria yang masih merintis karir dan belum terlalu mandiri. Scenario pun tertebak.. sepertinya pria-pria ini menggunakan sang wanita untuk mendongkrak karir mereka! HA!

Eits, tapi.. tunggu dulu. Tidak semuanya kok begitu. Ada pula yang memang dengan tulus hati mencintai sang wanita :) Well, at least on those movies.. the men sincerely love the women.

Personally, saya tidak terlalu suka dengan pria yang lebih tua. They scare the hell out of me! Bahkan untuk berteman sekalipun. Saya memilih pria yang sebaya, malah mungkin lebih muda hehe :) Namun seiring dengan berjalannya waktu, saya sudah mulai (sedikit) terbuka mengenai hal ini.

Beberapa teman laki-laki saya pacaran dengan anak-anak abg. Sepupu yang seumur dengan saya menikah dengan pria yang 15-16 tahun lebih tua. Dan setelah ditelusuri lebih jauh, ternyata oom-oom saya menikah dengan wanita yang 10-15 tahun lebih muda. Wooo... mungkin sekarang saya bisa (sedikit) lebih longar akan age difference, tapi kalau dipikir-pikir sih tetap ngeri sendiri!

Setelah check di internet, ternyata ada loh rumusnya:
Half-your-age-plus-seven
Wikipedia says, The "half-your-age-plus-seven rule" is a rule of thumb used by some in Western cultures defining a mathematical formula to judge whether the age difference in an intimate relationship is socially acceptable. Mathematically speaking, the rule is:

Setidaknya sekarang kita bisa menge-check, apakah pasangan kita "ketuaan" atau "kemudaan".
Kalau ternyata tidak masuk ke dalam rumus tersebut, coba saja perhatikan fenomena ini:
* Chronophilia is a general term, applied to any age-related preference that is outside their own age group.
* Ephebophilia is the attraction of older individuals to adolescents.
* Hebephilia is the attraction of older individuals to pubescent youths.
* Pedophilia is the attraction of older individuals to pre-adolescents.
[Pedophilia mungkin term yang paling familiar di telinga kita]
* Infantophilia is the attraction of older individuals to small children (ages ranging from 0-5).
* Gerontophilia is the attraction of non-elderly individuals to the elderly.

Fakta lain lagi yang saya dapat malah mengisahkan template pernikahan yang dialami warga Sami (preindustrial Finland). Artikel dari Scientific American menulis, "Men should marry a woman almost 15 years their junior to maximize their chances of having the most offspring that survive."

Aneh ya?

Lebih lanjut lagi,
Yet, only 10 percent of these marriages were between men and women with that optimal age difference. The span ranged from men marrying women as much as 20 years older to women marrying men as much as 25 years older; the average age difference between husband and wife was three years.
Other research in modern day Sweden has shown that the ideal reproductive match is for a man to marry a woman six years his junior. But the cultural constraints on marriage may have changed. "Wealth was the most important factor in a [Sami] marriage," Helle notes. "Love played almost no role in it."

Very classic.

Allrite,
Now, can i date Daniel Radclife?

Being a masochist

"... he is just as selfish and soulless as ever.
Only a masochist could ever love such narcissist"
Blair Waldorf - Gossip Girl, her sad uttering of Chuck Bass.

...
Guess i have always been a masochist my whole life.
I tend to hurt my self, or rather... i let myself being hurt by my those i love [or those who i think have loved me].

How? by acting wildly irrational when it comes to following my stubborn heart.

My belief in own so-called "feeling" has gone so deep it drowned me over and over and over again. Everyone i know has called me crazy and tried to pull me up to save me, i remain still. Swimming in the ocean of uncertainty, strongly believe that i am doing this for my own good, for the achievement that no other people may ever understand. Some loyal friends tho, participate to cheer me up along the way.

The fact is this: most of the times, I have my own original point of view in seeing and observing things. I tend to choose the hard way; i am more confident going down the rocky road; i feel warmed through cold words of others; i seek beauty in evil. I am undoubtedly afraid. Yet i am still willing to spend every dime, every sweat, every tear i possess to hold on to my dearly beloved. I am suffocated and damaged at best; I resist to surrender to reality.

My past experiences give me great lessons: that every turn one took [or did not take] will bear consequences. At times, the consequences may become the heavy burden or the uncured scar one will have to live with one whole life. I said, that's fair enough. At least, my dear, i can say "been there, done that" out loud.

That makes me a masochist.

- - -
I am gluing my feet on to the pavement. I am a fool. And I am not going anywhere. God help me.

oh, this (s)crap means nothing.

Headache

Ok. I admit it.
I got a bad headache lately. Maybe i got stressed out because of the upcoming event in November [i have nightmares about it!] Or maybe i just got struck by several cold facts about my past "relationships".

My BIG time childhood/adolescence CRUSH is going to get married next year, on valentine's day. He told me that personally [if one consider "over the phone" as personal]. At that very second, i feel crushed by a building! Then all the madness occurs.

We've been "friends" for a long time now. Our "friendship" has been on and off and on and off all the time [for years and years now] since we got separated and brought back together and separated and back together... and of course, he's been busy too with his own conquest. I remember my girlfriends, back on high school, used to slap me for being so utterly stupid and hate him for being who he was. I admit it, at some point in my life i really thought that i may end up being with him for the rest of my life. How cheesy can that be? I'm miserable, it's undeniably true.

I know how his past girlfriends used to get a little jealous of me, out of the blue. It somehow flatter me a little :) Yet, it will not change the current fact that he is getting married... on valentine's day. How ironic for me :( *sobs*
SAYA TIDAK RELA! uhm... mungkin belum rela :( *sobs*
if somehow YOU are reading this.. well.. I do wish you happiness and I say a little pray for you
Gosh, this is a lil bit like my best friend's wedding scenes! No!

Another thing...
My old friend told me that my ex is married, already, when we chatted several days ago. Still a speculation tho, since he's been missing for several years. We were forcefully separated because of that outrageous conflict in Ambon years ago. Funny thing was he was so upset that i would meet my other "friend" hahaha... Ok. Why is this bothering me now? The fact is, I've been wondering how he's been after all those years. Wonder if he's fine, wonder if i could meet him again, give him a hug... sure i do care about him :) It's just quite shocking to know that he's most probably married already - he's not the kind to settle that easily. RELA sih, cuma bakalan very awkward aja klo tiba-tiba ketemu lagi.. tapi pake ada istrinya disebelahnya yang melihat saya dengan tatapan kejam.

And the last one.
It's minor, but it hurts the most. Two days ago, I had a dream about my polar bear, Y. Dream about us still being together, as if nothing has ever happened :)

All bad coincidences?

Suara hati seorang kekasih

Dalam kehidupan manusia, kita selalu terbentur oleh batasan-batasan utama: jenis kelamin, ras, agama, usia. Pertanyaanku, apakah CINTA mampu menembus segala batasan-batasan tersebut? Bila jawabannya iya, muncul satu pertanyaan lagi. Sampai manakah CINTA mampu bertahan, sekuat apakah CINTA mampu melewati batasan-batasan tersebut tanpa terluka dan akhirnya menyerah dan mati? Cinta yang seperti apakah yang dapat dikatakan cinta sejati?

Tidak semua orang pernah mengalami ini. Terkadang kehidupan percintaan seseorang berjalan lancar-lancar saja; ia menemukan orang yang tepat (baca: dengan jenis kelamin yang tepat, ras yang tepat, agama yang tepat, dan usia yang tepat) dan dapat hidup bahagia selamanya layaknya dongeng anak-anak. Namun bagi yang lain, bagi mereka yang memiliki hasrat untuk cinta yang berbeda... terkadang cinta yang salah... ataupun cinta yang mustahil... Akankah orang-orang tersebut berhasil menemukan cinta dalam hidupnya? Mungkinkah cinta menunggu mereka di depan pintu gerbang kebahagiaan? Ataukah hidup mereka hanya akan diwarnai oleh bayang-bayang ilusi akan kebahagiaan yang semu?

Orang-orang tersebut, yang bergulat dalam cinta yang mustahil, akankah mereka mampu bangkit kembali dan terus berlari setelah menerima segala cercaan dunia munafik yang melihat segala sesuatunya melalui kacamata tabu?

Yang aku tahu, hanya segelintir pulalah yang mampu bertahan dan mencap diri mereka bahagia. Demikian pula yang terlihat dari pandangan mata mereka yang berbinar-binar ketika aku bertanya akan masa mereka berjuang untuk meraih cinta. Hanya orang-orang yang tegar seperti itulah yang mampu untuk saling bergandengan tangan dalam kondisi sesulit apapun.

Timbul satu pertanyaan lagi untukku sebagai orang yang selalu mencari cinta yang mustahil, akankah aku mampu berjuang layaknya mereka?

"he's out of reach", she says

she likes him. he's the strangest thing that ever happen to her. and she appreciates him for being himself. he unintentionally makes her smile and laugh. little that he knows that she hasn't been smiling like that for years.
he is like a medicine to her. she has to take a dose of him everyday, just to keep her sane. he doesn't know that he heals her wounded soul somehow someway.

she likes him. she thinks he is extraordinary.
she likes him. she thinks he can make her a better person.
she likes him. she smiles and sings lalala every other day.

but when she's ready to fall and believe, she realizes that all that he has ever given to her is false hope. over and over again. his kindness is false. his touch is false. her existence for him is false.
"he has another girl in his mind", she says.
"i knew it from the very beginning, yet i still tried to hurt myself", she said.
and she breaks down, a sudden heartache. she's suffocating, she's drowning in pain.

then one morning, out of the blue, a dear friend text her, "don't you know that there is someone who really love you out there?" she looks at the blue sky and wonder if that is true. since all that's left of her soul is pieces. scattered and numb.

"he's out of reach", she says. there is no hope left for her.
he is constantly on her mind and her dreams. even when she doesn't think of him.

she turns to me and asks, "what should i do? what could i do? how do i become the perfect fool?"
i fell silent. i turn to her and say, "let him go, let him go."

hold me? hold me!

I never know that there's a song that could picture me as perfect as this one.. So i think that the lyric of this song should go to my journal. Thanks nv :)

The Cardigans - Hold Me

Hold me, don't ever leave me
Know me, never believe me
Stay here but don't get too near me
Leave me, leave me alone
But don't ever let me go

Show me, but don't ever teach me
Touch me, don't try to reach me
Hold me but don't ever keep me
Baby, don't ever let me in

And don't let me win
'cause i leave myself to you
Yes, i release myself with you
I believe in me and you
So don't ever say you do

Love me, try not to need me
Need me but don't let the greed in
Feel free but don't ever leave me
Give in, don't ever let me
No, don't ever let me win

Hold me, don't ever leave me
Ask me but don't ever make me
Save me, don't ever forsake me
Call me but don't ever say my name

Know what you do
'cause i leave myself to you
Yes i release myself with you
I believe in me and you
So don't ever say you do

Don't let me win
Just hold me

And you say "nina nina ninana...."
Now how can i let you go?

Hold me, don't ever leave me
Love me but don't ever let me
No, don't ever let me win

Funeral of my Youth

i wore black yesterday. it's like i'm going to a funeral.
but then again, I WAS going to a funeral. Funeral of my youth.

So it is, my youth is gone (read: Youth = whatever happened during college).
It's gone when i see that all the people around me has moved on with their life.
They got new friends, new life, new relationship.

I wish i could say that playtime is over, but i am kinda stuck in an incomprehensible situations. How can i have my own life if those around me are not really supportive? Incomprehensible, me and my thoughts.

What more can i say? Moving on is not the means of transportation i am willing to take today.

Maybe tomorrow, maybe next month, maybe next year. But not today, darling. Not today.

Hangover days

Beberapa hari after Semarang serasa hangover days. bangun tidur rasanya beraaaaaaaaat bgt. baru semenit bangun tiba2 ketiduran 1 jam lagi, alhasil selalu buru2 klo mau ke kantor. kepala muter2.... mata rasanya gak fokus... hidung mencium bau2an aneh.

Bayangkan! Hari pertama ngantor yang tercium bau pizza hut. terjadilah apa yang seharusnya terjadi, pulang dari kerja bertengger dulu di pizza hut slipi jaya, eating soup and salad and creamayo tuna pizza. The fact that i'm soo broke could not defeat the great appetite within!

Hari kedua kerja, bau yang tercium lebih aneh lagi. I smelled yokko! on and off. on and off. it's weird that he's miles away yet it felt that he's with me. Mungkin karena dia blom mandi kali yah :P baunya sampe ke Jakarta. And he's out-of-this-world words explained everything ^.^ oh, i have to stop being cheesy!!

Hari ketiga dan keempat (which is today) gak ada bau2an aneh. But i (bea too) have constant crave to EAT! GOSH! If only my table is made of chocolate bar, it would be gone by now hehehe...

It's like i'm having speeless nights. It's been a while since i felt this tired. My dear bea said, "karena yang cape bukan cuma badan loe. hati dan pikiran juga."

Fortunately, there are things that lights me up. Especially karena bea bisa gue ejek2 saban hari, her "fans" are bugging her now and then. Their so-called serious attempt makes me ROFL. Hum... in our words, it's super najong XD

I but thank those guys who try to brighten my best friend's day up. Indirectly, they have brighten my days too.

And for the guy who holds my heart...

Read: 4 hari untuk selamanya

4 hari untuk selamanya

Lina said to me, "You'll die happy because you have someone who loves you that much."

Up to this very second, I feel that everything happened back in Semarang was so unreal. Am i dreaming? Am i not? My hands are shaking, my lips are trembling, my eyes are blurring. It's like my body has been teared apart, i may cry all the way through the night.

I have a broken heart, but i got no one to blame.

If life is about options, I choose to hope. I know that my friends worry about me being such a stupid person as I am now. But those hopes and dreams of being with someone i truly love someway someday is the thing that keeps me going, the thing that keeps me alive. Even if that dreams will never come true.

Location: Somewhere in Semarang

I'm not ok. But i am gonna be all right.

Now, when i see other people's relationship, I can smile and say, "I know love".

I'm happy to know that you do love me, dear.

Teruntuk Sahabat2ku

Hari ini ada email masuk dari anak mami RaTna [gosh i miss you people]. A nice one. So i post it here:

Kepada sahabat-sahabat ku yang MASIH SINGLE..
Cinta ibarat kupu-kupu. Makin kau kejar, makin ia menghindar. Tapi bila kau biarkan ia terbang, ia akan menghampirimu disaat kau tak menduganya.Cinta bisa membahagiakanmu tapi sering pula ia menyakiti,tapi cinta itu hanya istimewa apabila kau berikan pada seseorang yang layak menerima. Jadi tenang-tenang saja, jangan ter-buru buru dan pilihlah yang terbaik.

Kepada sahabat-sahabat ku yang RAGU-RAGU DENGAN PERNIKAHAN
Cinta bukannya perkara mencari seseorang yang "sempurna", tetapi menemukan seseorang yang bisa membantumu menjadikan dirimu menjadi sempurna.

Kepada sahabat-sahabatku yang PLAYBOY/PLAYGIRL
Jangan katakan "Aku cinta padamu" bila kau tidak benar - benar peduli.Jangan bicarakan soal
perasaan-perasaan bila itu tidak benar-benar ada. Jangan kau sentuh hidup seseorang bila kau
hanya berniat main-main dengannya. Jangan menatap kedalam mata bila apa yang kau kerjakan cuma berbohong.Hal terkejam yang bisa dilakukan ialah membuat seseorang jatuh cinta, padahal kau tidak berniat samasekali 'tuk menerimanya' saat ia terjatuh.........

Kepada sahabat-sahabatku yang SUDAH MENIKAH
Kalau Cinta jangan katakan "Ini salahmu!", tapi "Maafkan aku, ya!"
Jangan juga katakan "Kau dimana!", melainkan "Aku disini, kenapa?"
Bukan "Kok bisa sih kau begitu!" tapi "Aku mengerti."
Dan juga bukan "Coba, seandainya kau..." akan tetapi "Terima kasih ya,kau begitu....."

Kepada sahabat-sahabatku yang BERTUNANGAN
Tolok ukur saling mencocoki bukanlah berapa lamanya waktu yang kalian habiskan bersama,
melainkan untuk betapa baiknya kebersamaan anda berdua.

Kepada sahabat-sahabatku yang PATAH HATI
Sakit... patah hati... bertahan selama kau menginginkannya, dan akan mengiris luka sedalam kau membiarkannya. Tantangannya bukanlah bagaimana bisa mengatasi rasa itu, melainkan apa yang bisa diambil sebagai pelajaran dan hikmahnya.

Kepada sahabat-sahabatku yang BELUM PERNAH JATUH CINTA
Bagaimana kalau jatuh cinta: Mau jatuh jatuhlah tapi jangan sampai terjerumus, tetaplah konsisten tapi jangan terlalu "ngotot", berbagilah dan jangan sekali-sekali tidak fair, berpengertianlah dan cobalah untuk tidak menuntut, siap2lah untuk terluka dan menderita, tapi jangan kau simpan semua rasa sakitmu jika itu benar-benar kau alami.

Kepada sahabat-sahabatku yang INGIN MENGUASAI
Hatimu patah melihat yang kau cintai berbahagia dengan orang lain, tapi akan lebih sakit lagi mengetahui bahwa yang kau cintai ternyata tidak bahagia denganmu.

Kepada sahabat-sahabatku yang TAKUT MENGAKUI
Cinta menyakitkan bila anda putuskan hubungan dengan seseorang. Tapi lebih sakit lagi bila seseorang memutuskan hubungan denganmu. Tapi cinta paling menyakitkan bila orang yang kau cintai samasekali tidak mengetahui perasaanmu [terhadapnya].

Kepada sahabat-sahabatku yang MASIH BERTAHAN MENCINTAI SEORANG YANG SUDAH PERGI
Hal menyedihkan dalam hidup ialah bila kau bertemu seseorang lalu jatuh cinta, hanya kemudian pada akhirnya menyadari bahwa dia bukanlah jodohmu dan kau telah menyiakan bertahun2 untuk seseorang yang tidak layak. Kalau sekarang ia sudah tak layak, 10 tahun dari sekarangpun ia juga tak akan layak. Biarkan dia pergi, lupakan.......!!

Kepada sahabat-sahabatku yang INGIN MENGAKHIRI CINTA...
Renungkanlah apa yg telah kamu lalui bersama pasanganmu dan pikirkan apakah kamu bisa memiliki hubungan seperti yg pernah kamu miliki...

Smashed

it's when your infinite freedom is taken! it's when you hit the very bottom of reality. now you live without hope nor dream nor courage. the hope of your love, the dream of being what you have always wanted to be, and the courage to move on. They screw your mind and emotion just to break you apart.. to scatter you into worthless pieces.

It's hard... to live that way. It's like a hundred ton of sharp objects on your shoulder when you have to cross an old wingly"bergoyang" bridge with endless cliff below you or a long winding road full of rocky trashes. when you fall, they'll cut you nicely.

it's hard because nobody want to be chained, prisoned... especially you, my beloved.
but you shall not give up you life away. For there'll be rainbow after rain, there'll also be a gift you'll receive after your sufferings. For a freedom cannot be taken from one... it stays in your heart as long as you believe its existence. Don't you wander alone, because i'll be there and comfort you. i'll catch your falls despite of my invisibility. keep you warm in my arms though my body crash.

it's hard for me to undo my arms around you and let you go. it's hard to see your tears instead of your smile. it's hard for enfold our sweet memories and throw it away.

Since waiting for you is forever and that's what i'm gonna do.

Apa arti Valentine's Day?

Bulan Februari. Kata orang sih bulan penuh cinta. Gimana engga? Kan di bulan Februari orang2 pada merayakan Hari Kasih Sayang alias Valentine's Day yang jatuh tgl 14 Februari. Humm... Lalu apa hubungannya Valentine's Day sama gue? Well.. selaen nama gue yang nyerempet2 and membuat orang2 yang sok tau nyelametin gue "Happy Birthday"... Valentine juga menyimpan banyak arti.

Jadi inget gimana excited-nya Citra menyambut Valentine. Udah dari minggu lalu (which was masih akhir januari) dia ribet sendiri milih kado and kartu Valentine buat yayangnya di londo sana. Pilih CD musik sampe freak out sendiri and ngejatohin CD2 di rak hauhauhauha... trus bingung ngeliat2 kartu ucapan yang bagus imut and gak mahal! susah bgt milihnya, abis rata2 kartu yang cute2 kan harganya diatas 25 ribuan ><' Abis itu buru2 dibungkus pake kertas kado lutu warna pink. hihihii.. asiknya...

Satu lagi temen kantor yang gila. Si Erlies bener2 heboh nyiapin Valentine dinnernya. Dari kemaren dia udah nyari2 baju pink yang cocok (kyaaaaaaa...) trus pake clana apa, aksesoris apa, sepatu apa... hauhauha. Tadi dia malahan ngasih liat gue sebentuk balon (or somthing like that, unclear) warna putih bentuk hati ndut berhiaskan pita kruwel2 warna pink. Esp for dinner. aih aih.. romantis sekalee...

Uhm. And how about me?

I like Valentine's Day. Wanna celebrate it in a special way with a special person. Tapi gimana donk klo cowonya 'ga peduli' sama Valentine? Gimana donk klo cowonya ga romantis or suka mengumbar kata2 cinta? Gimana juga klo punya cowo yang super ga sensitif kaya cowo gue sekarang? hehehehe...

Sedih juga, soalnya gue ga bisa enjoy this special occasion with him. Padahal sebulan lalu gue masih membayang2kan bakalan jalan kemana Valentine ini, bakal beliin kado apa, pengen nonton apa... [a girl is a form of moody, sensitive, and romantic felling, after all] hux hux tanpa tau klo dia bakal pindah dari Jakarta for good :( But then again, dia sendiri juga bukan orang yang peduli soal Valentine's Day. Dia punya pemikiran sendiri yang sangat sulit dimengerti orang lain, even me, tentang hidup dan tentang cinta.

Walaupun dia gak pernah ngasih kado or flowers or cute stuffs, i won't sweat. Uhm, ok... a little bit, and a little bit more [if i'm in a v. bad mood]. Selama dia masih sayang sama aku and have time to hug me [even only in my dreams], that'll be just fine. Guess everyone has his/her own way in expressing love and Valentine's Day, right?

Sebuah Penantian

Tolong katakan padaku
Apakah aku harus pergi... ataukah tetap di sini?
aku kini tak mengerti dan mungkin bahkan tak peduli!
Apakah aku harus tetap menanti 1000 tahun lagi?
saat manusia tak lagi memandang kasta dan agama
yang mereka tahu hanyalah bagaimana mencinta.
Apakah aku sanggup untuk menjalani hidup tanpa harapan dan cinta?
atau kepastian yang tak kunjung tiba?
Apakah aku mampu bertahan dengan hanya berbekal sebuah penantian?
Akankah 1000 tahun lagi kita boleh menjadi yang-tak-terpisahkan-manusia?
Akankah saat itu kan masih mencintaiku sebanyak ini?
Akankah masnusia hanya melihat cinta di antara kita
dan bukannya perbedaan yang nyata?
Akankah dunia tetap seperti saat ini?
Akankah kita akan menjadi sebuah kisah cinta yang sedih?
Namun di ataas semua itu...
akankah aku sabar menanti?
Sayang, aku sungguh takut aku telah mati sebelum dapat merengkuhmu kembali.
Akankah penantianku cukup sampai di sini?
Aku tak tahu...
aku sungguh tak tahu.

Untuk semua orang yang sedang menanti - entah apapun atau siapapun itu - tolong katakan padaku, kapan aku harus berhenti.

Perbedaan setiap manusia

4.46 pm.
14 minutes to go.

Tapi hari ini ga pulang ke rumah.. sie kayanya.
Kemungkinan besar boleh nginep di bea... setelah acara ngerayu panjang lebar semalem. Mijitin papa sampe bosen deh pokoknya.. sambil cerita2. Seneng bgt deh klo misalnya mama papa mau cerita soal mereka dulu.. kisah cinta yang rada2 rumit karena mereka dari 2 ras yang berbeda. Batak dan Jawa, dua suku bertentangan.. harus ada salah satu yang ngalah.

Dulu tuh.. sebenernya ompung doli (baca:opung doli, sebutan batak untuk kakek) udah wanti2 ke mama biar jangan kawin sama orang jawa! Mama juga waktu itu (masih di Siantar sana) harusnya disuruh ke Malang, tapi malah kabur ke Jakarta. Di Jakarta itulah mama ketemu sama papa, yang (katanya papa) petualang cinta. Dulu juga papa pernah punya pacar cewe cina (baca: tionghoa) *ternyata...* tapi cintanya ga bisa berlanjut soalnya ga direstuin *biasa lah...*

Mama dulu pas pacaran sama papa juga banyak masalah. Pertama2nya juga ga dianggep sama mbah kakung (sebutan jawa untuk kakek) tapi ya mama papa keukeuh aja. Klo ada cuti, pasti mama ke jogja, maen di sana, nginep di sana, masak2 barengan sama keluaranya papa (waktu itu masih jaman arang) di dapur.. gue punya looh fotonya. Katanya, itu hasil fotonya papa.

Setelah beberapa tahun pacaran, papa tanpa basa basi langsung telpon ke Siantar and ngomong soal rencana nikah ke ompung boru (baca: opung boru, sebutan batak untuk nenek), yang untungnya ga masalah soal perbedaan ras. Waktu itu, ompung doli udah meninggal. Bayangin aja.. itu sekitar 21-22 tahun yang lalu. Sampe mama papa nikah di Gereja Ganjuran, Bantul.. mereka masih aja punya banyak tantangan, apalagi dari keluarganya papa. Mama bilang sih.. ya mo gimana di cuekin aja.. kan harus jalan terus. Kalo dulu mama papa stuck and menyerah, ga mungkin ada gue donk sekarang ini. Gue aja bingung.. gimana caranya dulu mereka sampe ketemu and jatuh cinta ya? Lucu.. lucu..

Lucunya karena sekarang ini gue juga punya cowo yang beda ras nya. Dan, mau ga mau, kita harus menghadapin segala macam ke-extrim-an jaman ini. Banyak yang udah kita lewatin.. tapi masih banyak lagi yang masih harus kita hadapin, if we want to stay together. Ga mudah emang klo kita hidup di negara and culture yang masih memandang dari atas ke bawah tentang segala hal and masih terlalu strict untuk menerima perbedaan.

Hope we can make it.