Citizen of Faith

This is my Post Easter Memoir:
"What is the driving force behind these hundreds of people?"

They come around to church during the big holiday events. Thundering like flocks of birds, roaming like ants. Filling the empty seats at this more than vast halls and parking lots, putting their hands together... Chanting graces.

Is it guilt? Mere obligation? Search of future companion?
Or is it possible that somehow, there is an absolute divine power flicks onto their small little frozen hearts?
What's your excuse?

Born and raised in a Catholic family, i have learned how to act accordingly. I am "obliged" to learn the big book of Bible, attend the weekly mass, and put my God-given talents at church's disposal - all of which to please my parents.

Nevertheless... i do think that Bible is a great (his)story book worth reading (sometimes).
i loved to go to the weekly mass to catch a glimpse of my teenage-crush. i love it more when i've come to realize that attending mass and pray is a need, not an obligatory task.
and i am happy to humbly serve, proudly praise my God with my big voice :)

I do believe in this.
As long as one still seek goodness in others, and sincerely try to do good for others (regardless of their religions-or no religion), then one has become a citizen of faith.

No. 2

a back-up plan.

weekend getaway.

the other one.

a maybe.


Do you know how it feels not to be the Priority?

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i do. i know.
i sometimes treat people that way, too.

Serenity. Courage. Wisdom.

"God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things that I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference."

These words has been my source of self-encouragement throughout these last few years. As i whispered it to myself when I'm down, i somehow feel the urge to get back on my own two feet, and get back to life. However, one need to be willing to let go of all the burdening questions and willing to accept life as simple and as cruel as it is.

Originally written by Reinhold Niebuhr, the "prayer" is usually used as an encouragement statement for those people involved in group therapy: for narcotics, alcohol, etc. anonymous. It is embedded in the twelve-step program is a set of guiding principles outlining a course of action for recovery from addiction, dependency, compulsion, depression, or other emotional and behavioral problems.

This strong words have been used broadly from sermons, musical lyrics, movies, and other self-encouragement books.

Here's the full version of the original prayer:

God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed,
courage to change the things which should be changed,
and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Amen.

Serenity. Courage. Wisdom.
I am bound to those words so deeply that I may (one day) have it inked on my skin :)

Serenity (seion) - Courage (yuuki) - Wisdom (chie)

This is us

this is us.

we are the reason.
we don't make us happen.

we are the boy and the girl who sits on the sideways.
i sit here. you sit there.
facing each other, fronting, loving.

we sit on the sideways for the road is too dangerous.
nature does not allow me to crossover to your side, nor you to mine.
one may be hit by a car and die, leaving the other one in pain, in vain.

the road will never be kind to us,
so we sit on the sideways.

watching everyone goes by,
the moon the sun the stars the ticking clock
watching you, watching me.

waiting for the perfect moment
when everything stop
one split second when we can eventually be.

so we don't sleep, we won't blink.
we stay awake, we stay untouched.

we are our boundaries.
we don't make us happen.

reborn, anew

i am over with promises
hope and dreams of beautiful things
ashes to my eyes

emptiness is here in my hand
emptiness is what i see ahead
for i can't name this feeling
surrounding me indefinitely

give me a poison
i can take for us both
i shall die and shall be reborn
made of summer song and morning dew

everything
all anew

Love = Bad Stain

Love is like a bad stain that stays.


i mean... well, you know what i mean...

Age Difference in (sexual) Relationships

What is standard age gap in relationship?

Pria suka wanita yang lebih muda. Wanita suka pria yang lebih tua. Itu pada umumnya.

Tapi kenyataan berkata, "tunggu dulu, jaman sudah berubah!".
Wong Demi Moore saja bisa mendapatkan Ashton Kutcher yang (OMG!) 16 tahun lebih muda, dan mereka hidup bahagia saja tuh. Yang paling sensasional memang tetap Anna Nicole Smith yang menikah dengan J. Howard Marshall, yang ehem.. 63 tahun lebih tua.

Saya seringkali menonton film-film ataupun serial tv yang mengangkat issue "wanita dengan pasangan pria muda". Kisah-kisah seperti ini memang tidak biasa. Misalnya film The Graduate (Ben & Mrs. Robinson!), Something's Gotta Give (Erica & Julian), Prime (Rafi & David), I could never be Your Woman (Rosie & Adam), atau serial tv semacam Lipstick Jungle (Nico & Kirby) dan Sex and the City (Samantha & Smith). More...

Nico & Kirby
Where can i find a 25-year-old like Kirby?

Ada satu persamaan dalam film-film tersebut: Sang wanita pastilah seorang yang strong, independent, dan sucess dalam karir! Sang pria? biasanya, mereka pria-pria yang masih merintis karir dan belum terlalu mandiri. Scenario pun tertebak.. sepertinya pria-pria ini menggunakan sang wanita untuk mendongkrak karir mereka! HA!

Eits, tapi.. tunggu dulu. Tidak semuanya kok begitu. Ada pula yang memang dengan tulus hati mencintai sang wanita :) Well, at least on those movies.. the men sincerely love the women.

Personally, saya tidak terlalu suka dengan pria yang lebih tua. They scare the hell out of me! Bahkan untuk berteman sekalipun. Saya memilih pria yang sebaya, malah mungkin lebih muda hehe :) Namun seiring dengan berjalannya waktu, saya sudah mulai (sedikit) terbuka mengenai hal ini.

Beberapa teman laki-laki saya pacaran dengan anak-anak abg. Sepupu yang seumur dengan saya menikah dengan pria yang 15-16 tahun lebih tua. Dan setelah ditelusuri lebih jauh, ternyata oom-oom saya menikah dengan wanita yang 10-15 tahun lebih muda. Wooo... mungkin sekarang saya bisa (sedikit) lebih longar akan age difference, tapi kalau dipikir-pikir sih tetap ngeri sendiri!

Setelah check di internet, ternyata ada loh rumusnya:
Half-your-age-plus-seven
Wikipedia says, The "half-your-age-plus-seven rule" is a rule of thumb used by some in Western cultures defining a mathematical formula to judge whether the age difference in an intimate relationship is socially acceptable. Mathematically speaking, the rule is:

Setidaknya sekarang kita bisa menge-check, apakah pasangan kita "ketuaan" atau "kemudaan".
Kalau ternyata tidak masuk ke dalam rumus tersebut, coba saja perhatikan fenomena ini:
* Chronophilia is a general term, applied to any age-related preference that is outside their own age group.
* Ephebophilia is the attraction of older individuals to adolescents.
* Hebephilia is the attraction of older individuals to pubescent youths.
* Pedophilia is the attraction of older individuals to pre-adolescents.
[Pedophilia mungkin term yang paling familiar di telinga kita]
* Infantophilia is the attraction of older individuals to small children (ages ranging from 0-5).
* Gerontophilia is the attraction of non-elderly individuals to the elderly.

Fakta lain lagi yang saya dapat malah mengisahkan template pernikahan yang dialami warga Sami (preindustrial Finland). Artikel dari Scientific American menulis, "Men should marry a woman almost 15 years their junior to maximize their chances of having the most offspring that survive."

Aneh ya?

Lebih lanjut lagi,
Yet, only 10 percent of these marriages were between men and women with that optimal age difference. The span ranged from men marrying women as much as 20 years older to women marrying men as much as 25 years older; the average age difference between husband and wife was three years.
Other research in modern day Sweden has shown that the ideal reproductive match is for a man to marry a woman six years his junior. But the cultural constraints on marriage may have changed. "Wealth was the most important factor in a [Sami] marriage," Helle notes. "Love played almost no role in it."

Very classic.

Allrite,
Now, can i date Daniel Radclife?

for the love of life

sshhh...
hush hush...

take my solemn hand and run with me
shall the daunting wind and the wobbly road pass us by
as vivid as moving images we fly

my pounding heart
your heavy breath
my fingers twirl in your hair
softly, sinfully, gracefully

write me a letter, i'm your friend
burn me with your words of desires
fascinate me with you dazzling thoughts
make me cry, make me die

no one's ever ready for life.

caffeine high

chain me with these melodic heartbeat
i'm caffeine high
i'm thinking of you inside

oh no, not now
i don't believe what i see
i won't believe what i feel

my heart is torn
guarded
damaged
and it will never be yours
left with desperation alone
still i'm daydreaming for hours

force me to smell the scent of you
i'm caffeine high
i do want you to be mine

The game is ON

The game is on.
... and i am spinning.

The rules have changed. The subject has changed.
It is no longer called "To-make-a-better-person-out-of-him" game.
It's now called "If-I-ever-gonna-feel-anything-ever-again-even-if-it's-pain" game.

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.
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... and i'm spinning.
I don't know when to stop, nor how to stop.

Tell me where it hurts

I just came to realize the connectivity between this song and my life :)
Is it possible that it's caused by my incredible headache?
What an absurd thinking.

Anyway, for those who are curious enough to understand what the hell am i blabbering about, here's the lyric.

- - -
Garbage - Tell me where it hurts

What is my day going to look like?
What will my tomorrow bring me?
If I had x-ray eyes, I could see inside
I wouldn’t have to predict the future

I wish that you would do with some talking
How else am I to know what you’re thinking?
If only people would say what it really was
What it really was
What it really was that they wanted

Tell me where it hurts
to hell with everybody else
All I care about is you
and that's the truth
They don't love me; I can tell
But you do, so they can go to hell

Did they ever give you a reason
To believe in something different
If you’re looking for love, for what it's worth
I have plenty of it lying around here somewhere

If you are looking for disappointment
You can find it around any corner
In the middle of the night I hold on to you tight
So both of us can feel protected

Tell me where it hurts,
to hell with everybody else.
All I care about is you and that's the truth
they don't love me; yeah I can tell
but you do, so they can go to hell

I’ve been loved but I didn’t know how to feel it
And I’ve been adored but I don’t know if I ever believed it
I’ve been loved my whole life but I didn’t know how to take it
Until you

So tell me where it hurts
to hell with everybody else
All I care about is you and that's the truth
they don't love me, yeah I can tell
But you do, so they can go to hell
But you do, so they can go to hell

Tell me where it hurts, tell me where it hurts
Tell me where it hurts now, tell me where it hurts...

- - - -

And here's the clip!

Crack me, now

I've hurt people.
I've been hurt, too.

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.

So now

I'm throwing myself into the open fire, hoping to get burn.

Get yourself a life!

Tadi Lina telpon.
Gak sopan... tiba2 bilang, "ini lagi di bandara di jakarta. baru aja sampe."

Dan dengan serentak kukatakan, "Haih! Bohong banget!"
Setelah bohong2 beberapa saat, akhirnya dia ngaku juga klo dia gak lagi di jakarta.

Lina is one of my inner circle friends; who i can always run to when i need some logical explanations of life and love; who i can always depend on to SLAP me, wake me up to face the real world [I tend to daydream a lot!!]. We usually cheers each other up, and sometimes despise each other. This time, she's feeling down - thus she kind of needs my "guidance".

Life is OZ is not as grand as the one we had in NL. We grow older [but maybe not wiser]; we got separated... hmm... 3 continents.

It can be said that we live a remotely different life than we're used to, with all the challenges and obstacles in between - all of which we have to face on our own; no more trusted friends around. Sometimes, somehow... a life like that could be hard... and frustrating. Actually, that's why i "ran" to Bali to see Indah last month - to clear my head, and maybe gain new perspective, besides meeting Indah of course :)

Thus a getaway is a good thing to do at certain point of one's life. Out of the house, out of town, out of the country - all depends on one's budget. Well, she said that she is planning to go to Sdyney this week. That'll be a nice treat :)

Living a life with an "EVIL FORCE" of people being couples all the time can also be damaging, if not infectious... To me, it's quite damaging [uhm that's why i said "evil force" - believe me, i will not turn to one of girl who devotes her whole life for "couple" romances and thus forgets her surroundings]. Apparently, my friend feels the same way too. Ha Ha Ha.. Do whatever you feel darling. Get drunk, get wasted, get laid - I encourage you!!
[well, i should do the same :p]

Nyeh.
No, don't follow my outrageous advice.

But you can consider this, my friend[s]: WRITE your story - share it so that you wont feel so alone.
Sometime in the future, go read your writings again [and you may weep].
Then stand up on your own two feet for you had passed those dark times.
The things that don't kill will only make you stronger.
Life is all about choices, dear - whether you want to continue weeping OR to decide to be tough, it's up to you.

P.S. am still waiting for a call from B, yang sampe detik ini ditungguin tapi blom telpon2! Gak sopan!! Nv juga gak kirim2in lagunya hadoh gak sopan juga! Cz juga nulis namaku salah pula, gak sopan juga!

- - -

Just got in, got it from C: Wow, Kondom Bisa Obati Jerawat!

Kondom tak hanya berfungsi sebagai alat kontrasepsi loh. Kondom juga bisa berfungsi untuk kecantikan. Misalnya menghilangkan jerawat.

Kondom biasanya dilengkapi dengan cairan pelumas. Cairan pelumas itulah yang digunakan oleh perempuan-perempuan Kamboja untuk mengatasi jerawat yang tumbuh di wajah mereka. Seorang konsumen kondom dengan merek One Plus produksi Population Services International (PSI) menyatakan hal tersebut kepada AFP. Adalah Kenny Vanny, perempuan 29 tahun dari Phonm Penh, Kamboja yang mengungkapkan pengalamannya memakai kondom sebagai obat jerawat.

Menurut Kenny, dengan mengusapkan cairan pelumas kondom ke jerawat, maka dalam 3 hari jerawat itu akan mengering dan tidak berbekas. "Ini sangat efektif. Beberapa orang mungkin tak mempercayainya, tapi orang-orang yang telah melakukannya mendapatkan hasil yang luar biasa," ujarnya seperti dikutip detikhot dari Health24, Selasa (2/9/2008).

Sedangkan pihak PSI belum mengeluarkan pendapatnya mengenai masukan konsumen yang mengatakan bahwa produknya dapat digunakan sebagai produk kecantikan. Menurut Anda apakah kondom efektif sebagai obat jerawat?

KYAA! ada yang mau coba? XD

Hujan di Jakarta, pertanda banjir?

Sampai di rumah, agak sedikit kehujanan.
Baju sebelah kiri basah terkena rembesan air hujan dari atap bus. Mau bilang apa, bayar 2500 perak kok minta kendaraan yang oke?

Langsung menyantap nasi goreng bikinan bapak langganan di belakang rumah. Maklum, males masak, berhubung mama juga lagi gak ada di rumah [entah kapan mau pulang dari Medan]. Minum teh hangat super manis, lumayan untuk menghilangkan sakit kepalaku. Dari tadi siang memang penglihatan mengabur [lihat dison jadi titik blurry, kok kliatannya tambah cantik lol], jalan agak miring-miring sedikit, mungkin tekanan darahku drop lagi.

Jakarta hujan, banjir lagi...

I just got off the phone with Sher. Stuck in the office, she said.
Ga bisa pulang gara-gara jalan depan kantor banjir [jalan sudirman depan atmajaya]. Di tambah lagi rumahnya ikutan kebanjiran! Stress lah dia, ada laptop dan komputer yang penuh data yang terendam di sana. Hm... apa mau dikata kalau musim hujan datang lebih awal, kalau siklus banjir di jakarta jadi sebulan sekali, kalau orang-orang penghuni jakarta tetap tidak peduli akan kebersihan kota, kalau dalam jangka waktu 50 - bahkan mungkin 20 - tahun ke depan jakarta akan terendam lautan layaknya amsterdam?

- - -

*extra stuff, have already told this to E [this has nothing to do with Jakarta]
This morning i saw Kenny G's unplugged videos, he's doing duets with several singers. I kind of recognize the partner... hum... Li Hong? [read: Lee Hom - English version] My guess were right! Kyaaa he's so freaking talented! I'm a BIG Wang Lee Hom fan.
Next, Kenny G called another talented singer. this time it's from Indonesia. Guess who? Glenn Fredly! I'm also a BIG Glenn Fredly fan. Kutunggu dudamu!!!
Thus, I was content :)

Celebrating Indonesia's Independence Day

, "Pemerintah yang bijak menjamin ketertiban dalam masyarakat, pemerintah yang arif adalah yang terartur. Seperti para penguasa, demikian pula para pegawainya; seperti pemerintah kota, demikian pula semua penduduknya. Raja yang tidak terdidik menbinasakan rakyatnya, tetapu sebuah kota sejahtera berkat kearifan para pembesarnya. Di dalam tangan Tuhan terletak kuasa atas bumi, dan pada waktunya Ia mengangkat orang yang serasi atasnya. Di dalam tangan Tuhan-lah terletak kemujuran seseorang, dan kepada para pejabat Tuhan mengaruniakan martabat. Janganlah pernah menaruh benci kepada sesamamu, apa pun juga kesalahannya, dan jangan berbuat apa-apa terpengaruh oleh nafsu. Kecongkakan dibenci oleh Tuhan maupun manusia, dan bagi kedua-duanya kelaliman adalah salah. Pemerintahan beralih dari bangsa yang satu ke bangsa yang lain akibat kelaliman, kekerasan dan uang."
Kitab Putra Sirakh 10: 1-8

Itu bacaan pertama di Misa hari ini. Menarik ya?

Kata orang, 63 tahun merdeka berarti baru 63 % mereka merdeka. Kalau untuk saya, 63 tahun merdeka berarti baru 63 % saya merasa bangga menjadi orang Indonesia. I don't know if figure will ever go up to 100%... Merdeka tapi kesenjangan sosialnya begitu jauh. Merdeka tapi rakyatnya belum dapat menghormati para pahlawannya. Merdeka tapi manusianya belum dapat menghargai keragaman agama, ras, dan budaya yang mereka bangun bersama. Kalau begini, terkadang saya berpikir... "Jangan-jangan bangsa ini akan lebih baik kalau tetap dijajah Belanda..." What do you say?

It is sad to know that Indonesia (nowadays) is mostly well-known as the home for disaster (tsunami, earthquakes, flood and such), corruption, and terrorism. My once proud Indonesian soul is wounded by the fact that foreign people consider Indonesia (and it's people) as a "low" country. Despite of all the genius brains we have, foreign people tend to underestimate us! Actually, I should be ashamed of myself for being speechless; not being able to defend my country by saying beautiful things about it.

Indonesian associate their Independence day with games and local activities. Mereka bergembira sambil lomba makan krupuk [karena krupuk itu murah!], panjat pinang, lompat karung, dst. They like these games so much they usually block the roads and not letting people [with cars] to pass by! It is really annoying as it happened to us earlier today. Geez, we freakin' live in this area!!! Some dude was blocking our way by just standing there in front of the car for a while. Gosh! Maybe we should have ran over him >.<' Some other things about Indonesia's Independence Day this year:

• President SBY got a grand daughter!
• I watch a short biography about Tan Malaka on tv. I think Tan Malaka should have more than one small alley to be named after.
• Panic at the Disco is in concert! Supposedly, i should watch the concert and thank them for being one of my musical supports during my final dissertation hahaha :P But E said that their concert in Jakarta will not be theatrical. Lameeeeee.....

Allrighty. I will be away for a while after this :)
Hup hup vakantie hup!

Seorang Katolik Sekuler

Sehari yang lalu, kami (sekantor) menemui Bpk IK, seorang praktisi radio yang telah lama juga berkecimpung dalam urusan majalah media research ternama di indonesia. Setelah beberapa kali gagal bertemu, akhirnya kami dapat duduk bersama di salah satu restoran fast food di kawasan perkantoran semanggi. Pilihan tempat yang sangat tidak biasa untuk meeting.

Setelah perkenalan singkat, akhirnya kami mengetahui bahwa beliau adalah seorang jawa katolik tulen. Jelas saja, beliau berasal dari kota Yogyakarta yang sangat kental dengan predikat "bukankah orang yogya itu katolik semua?" ha ha ha.. Beliau seperti langsung merasa dekat dengan kami (yang kebetulan) juga beragama kristen dan katolik. The famous quote "Di mana ada dua atau tiga orang berkumpul dalam nama-Ku..."

Beliau pun menceritakan dongeng-dongeng (begitu beliau menyebutnya) inspiratif mengenai sejak terjang beliau dan beberapa nama besar praktisi lainnya dalam menggembangkan radio-radio ternama di indonesia. Memang berat dan penuh lika-liku.

Tapi bukan radio fokus saya. Fokus saya adalah figur si bapak. Katanya istrinya kristen. Oh, pernikahan "beda" agama, pikir saya. Dan hebatnya, si bapak terlihat begitu mendalami iman katolik beliau dan berani untuk menunjukkannya di depan orang banyak... membuat saya sedikit takut. Takut terbakar karena saya tidak merasa memiliki iman seperti itu. Mungkin juga karena saya telah terbiasa dengan kehidupan manusia-manusia jaman sekarang yang jauh dari Tuhan mereka masing-masing. Mungkin juga telah terbiasa dengan gaya SEKULER orang-orang Eropa, khususnya Belanda.

Malam itu kami menutup meeting kami dengan doa! Bayangkan saja. Terakhir kali saya berdoa di tempat umum secara beramai-ramai (dan juga berlokasi di fast food restaurant) sudah berbulan-bulan lalu ketika saya masih sesekali mengikuti pendalaman iman bersama beberapa teman lain. Waktu itu sepertinya hanya saya dan teman saya Andy (kami yang katolik) yang "ketinggalan" in terms of pengetahuan kami dalam Alkitab dan ke-Tuhan-an. Teman group yang lain seperti sudah canggih sekali karena mereka bahkan memiliki INTEGRATED BIBLE di mobile phone mereka! WOW!

Telah terpatri di benak saya bahwa orang-orang katolik itu cenderung lebih sekuler dibandingkan dengan penganut agama kristen lainnya. Oleh karena itu, melihat seorang katolik seperti bapak IK mengajak kami berdoa bersama untuk menutup meeting yang sama sekali tak berhubungan dengan ke-Tuhan-an terasa cukup aneh sekaligus menyentuh. Seorang jawa katolik tulen yang rendah hati di tengah-tengah rimba kebejatan kota Jakarta.

Saya harap saya tidak hanya mengenakan jubah keagamaan saya di hari Minggu saja. Well, saya memang bukan orang yang religious, tapi saya rasa saya cukup fanatic akan Tuhan saya.

Want to know more about Jesus? Read this.

Suara hati seorang kekasih

Dalam kehidupan manusia, kita selalu terbentur oleh batasan-batasan utama: jenis kelamin, ras, agama, usia. Pertanyaanku, apakah CINTA mampu menembus segala batasan-batasan tersebut? Bila jawabannya iya, muncul satu pertanyaan lagi. Sampai manakah CINTA mampu bertahan, sekuat apakah CINTA mampu melewati batasan-batasan tersebut tanpa terluka dan akhirnya menyerah dan mati? Cinta yang seperti apakah yang dapat dikatakan cinta sejati?

Tidak semua orang pernah mengalami ini. Terkadang kehidupan percintaan seseorang berjalan lancar-lancar saja; ia menemukan orang yang tepat (baca: dengan jenis kelamin yang tepat, ras yang tepat, agama yang tepat, dan usia yang tepat) dan dapat hidup bahagia selamanya layaknya dongeng anak-anak. Namun bagi yang lain, bagi mereka yang memiliki hasrat untuk cinta yang berbeda... terkadang cinta yang salah... ataupun cinta yang mustahil... Akankah orang-orang tersebut berhasil menemukan cinta dalam hidupnya? Mungkinkah cinta menunggu mereka di depan pintu gerbang kebahagiaan? Ataukah hidup mereka hanya akan diwarnai oleh bayang-bayang ilusi akan kebahagiaan yang semu?

Orang-orang tersebut, yang bergulat dalam cinta yang mustahil, akankah mereka mampu bangkit kembali dan terus berlari setelah menerima segala cercaan dunia munafik yang melihat segala sesuatunya melalui kacamata tabu?

Yang aku tahu, hanya segelintir pulalah yang mampu bertahan dan mencap diri mereka bahagia. Demikian pula yang terlihat dari pandangan mata mereka yang berbinar-binar ketika aku bertanya akan masa mereka berjuang untuk meraih cinta. Hanya orang-orang yang tegar seperti itulah yang mampu untuk saling bergandengan tangan dalam kondisi sesulit apapun.

Timbul satu pertanyaan lagi untukku sebagai orang yang selalu mencari cinta yang mustahil, akankah aku mampu berjuang layaknya mereka?

Happines is only real when shared

This sucks! Jakarta sucks!

I'm in the downfall of not having my best friends around. Yes, i have them scattered over the globe: ned, china, oz... ouw and bali (i dont really consider bali as indonesia anymore). I'm the only one who's loco enough to stay.

Ouw concerts! Boo-hoo... I have no one to go with.
Ouw parties! Boo-hoo... I have no one to be wild with.
Ouw birthdays! Boo-hoo... I have no one to get wasted with.
Ouw holidays! Boo-hoo... I have no one to be on a road-trip with.

Ouw personal issues! Boo-hoo... I have no one to talk to. Allrite, there is the technology called "internet". However, to talk about one's problematic life and personal issues over the internet/over the phone will not be as emotional as to talk over it face-to-face.

Obviously, i miss my girls :( i miss laughing (or crying or daydreaming) about boys they ever get acquinted with, reminiscing about the good-old days (yes, we were happy then!), crying as we talk about family issues, shouting at each other faces in arguments, eating ice creams on canal side, or even... doing nothing... just chill.

I need a vacation. Or my head's gonna explode sometime soon.

big girls don't cry anymore

aku kangen papa.

I haven't talk to him for a while now. Somehow, i want to suppress all of my memories about him. We never really spent quality times together, anyway. A part of me still blaming myself for everything that happened. A part of me said there was nothing i could do to stop it from happening.

He's far away now. Sometimes i came to visit him in Jogja; a monologue about my recent life. And the fact that i still can not understand why everything had to happen the way it happened... The guilty feeling i keep inside is too enormous for me to handle. Jealousy shown in my eyes whenever i see some girls walk with their fathers with smiles on their faces. Sometimes it slips away and creeps out through my tears when i look at his photograph.

It happened again yesterday while i watch a video from monkey majik, "together". I realized that that i feel terribly alone when he was not there to say happy birthday to me (i wonder how my mom can endure a day without him).

But i am a big girl now. I have to suck it up; i have to survive this.
I never really said this out loud... aku sayang papa.

Being 24

how was my birthday? well, i actually never really celebrate my birthdays.

We went eating at hanamasa gading [about how my family get there and got back home and all the fights in between is whole another story which i am not going to spill]. "we" here means me & fam, dison, my bos & fam, and some other people. it was ok. somehow i didn't feel really hungry. suddenly my barbaric-eating behaviour was gone as i didn't feel comfortable eating without my barbaric-eating mates.

Then we ["we" here means me and dison] went to meet goldie. I got a "sex and the city" all seasons recap book from them. E said that "it's sooo you!" and considered that I am a "Carrie/samantha". I took that as a compliment and tried to prove lil samantha in me by taking advantage of one of the baristas just to get myself a free dark-mocha frappe.

Then along came cris n elis. I asked cris to join me n golda to watch a piano concert in erasmus huis that night. As i predicted, things get tough between dison n cris (i have no comment on this matter). Guess i didn't get my birthday wishes and wish at all.

Erasmus huis was a "nothing". We couldn't get in because the house was too packed. The pianist is not only extremely talented, he is good-looking and young (21!). No wonder all the girls were drawn to see him play. Boo-hoo for me.

So, i got myself a free ride to meet andy and the new gf (and some other people i didn't know) in semanggi. She turned out to be very nice. I have a good feeling for the new couple. After dinner, we took off to karaoke in Green Garden with some other people i know (jeffry, ai, yun yun). It was ok, too.

I got back home at 1.30 am.
The day was good. Yet i feel something missing. I guess it is true that (sometimes) one do not want to be alone on one's birthday. It is incomplete to "celebrate" birthdays without your dearest people. It's just not right. And as for him, my birthday this year went unnoticed.. as always *sigh* That's another boo-hoo for me.

Overall, i'm looking forward to whatever things that're coming my way. And i thank you Lord for giving me one extra year on my life :)